My dream is too distant from the reality, I don't know what to do.

vendredi 19 septembre 2014

I want to become a mechanical engineer.



Im not good at any sciences or mathematical subjects.



I got E in physics and maths AS level (http://ift.tt/1uiRIkb), D in computing, B in philosophy.



The humanity is the only subject I am good at but even thought I enjoy listening it the most, nothing makes me as happy as getting a maths question or a physics question right. I want to do science degree because I can't do maths or physics. I am crying even know because throughout my whole a levels I am and will be at the bottom of my classes and will be the one with the least understanding and probably will end with a U. I can't imagine myself writing up more assessments, essays or writing a lot any more than I am doing now in Philosophy and even now its just too much. I don't want to do any job as to what undergraduates usually go to after humanities, im not interested. And if I continue with art everyone will think I am stupid which I am anyway but even if i do change to a design path now I will just consider myself as someone who can never go through with their choices in life. It is that I gave up on academic success all the way together and I don't want to do that I want to be smart but i just cant im just really dumb. I know that I would do better in humanities but I really don't want to I want to understand how the world works on maths and physics to its fullest but I cant because i will never get the grades or the knowledge that I need because i just dont understand anything.



I tried my hardest throughout the year it wasnt that I slacked at all I see people who socialise smoke weed and take drugs and they get better grades than me its just making me so sad that i cant do anything right im just a failure even though i never even got drunk or tipsy or into the wrong group.



Im now doing A2 but there is just no point in doing it anymore I will fail just like last year and I will never get to uni. Ill just get a job after and end up like my parents my dad is an alcoholic and my mum work 12 hours per day to pay off the family debt as a cleaner and baby sitter whilist my dad thinks shes a slut and prostitute and calls her all these names and I have to live with him because my mom doesnt have enough to move out he just lost his job and wants to become a manager and thinks he is intelligent and will get it but his dumb but im more dumb



but anyway my point is should i just keep on going and cry in lessons and in library when no one is looking in my A2 to continue at least going on the path to being a mechanical engineer or just quit school all together and get a job as a cleaner and baby sitter and help my pay off the debt i just cant look at her anymore doing all this I got 500 for my bday in total and she had to take it away now to pay house rent in the house she aint even living in anymore because my dad lost his job and its just so hard on her i want to help her...





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