the feeling of "what i'm doing i'm wasting my life"

dimanche 28 juillet 2013

hello, i'm 17 years old high school final year, it is summer it has been 3 months now since the start of the vacation and i've never left home once in these 3 months i'm not a recluse or anything, i actually would like to go out but the reason behind this is a bit complicated i'm not a good looking guy on the facial aesthetics side (can't change it sadly), so it was hard for me to socialize(yeah,pretty sure it's because of looks cause when i was a kid i had many friends and kids don't care about looks etc..) especially since in my area people really give me a noticeable bad attitude ,so i currently have no friends i just sit home browsing on my laptop /studying calculus, i got over my awkwardness and i don't have anymore suicidal thoughts thankfully , mentioning this again , the looks thing is Very noticeable this is a bit offtopic ish but i really liked a girl when i was 16 but she preferred another guy this happened twice, i lost hope after that and i don't bother with girls anymore.

but the thing that's bugging me is a very special feeling that is a hybrid of anger and sadness, sometime i'm just sitting normally and this feeling hits me , it's like this , what the heck am i doing with my life?my life is pathetic?if i was born good looking i would've been happy right now?what if i work really hard and get a good future would that replace these 17 years ? am i going to stay lonely for the rest of my life?i don't know if someone would relate to this but i hope so

PS:sorry for this wall of text , i just wanted to get these feelings out of my chest .;